Remembrance: Death Ends a Life. But It Does Not End a Relationship

By Daniel Applegate
President, Arlington Memorial Gardens

It’s deeply ironic that none of us, as in zero percent, enjoy thinking or talking about death. The irony is that the avoidance denies life’s one sure thing. We deny out of fear; that is, by letting any thoughts seep into our consciousness means that considering the full reality of death isn’t far behind. And so we work hard at averting all of those thoughts. However, the irony doesn’t end there; there’s another component although it’s an extension of the denial of death. It’s the irony of denying the finality of death by being remembered.

The impulse for living vicariously via memory certainly isn’t a new concept. For proof, one needs look no further than the Great Pyramids of Egypt where the Pharaohs of ancient times hoped that the monolithic monuments would convey an eternal earthly presence. Or, for proof with a more familiar flavor, simply visit your local traditional cemetery where those who possessed the financial means erected large granite monuments to invoke, hopefully good, memories for those left behind.

Remembrance Service at Arlington Memorial Gardens.

But the instinct to be remembered after death is matched with another equally strong and compelling human compulsion: to remember those who have preceded us in death. This instinct is clearly the less arrogant of the two and speaks volumes for the goodness that is in all of us. We are, after all, products of one kind or another of those who give birth to us, raise us, guide us, nurture and love us. We largely become who we are, for good or for ill, through those we know and befriend, through those we admire and through those we love and sometimes wed. And because we are human we form bonds, deep emotional attachments that we know as love.

Losing someone we love has a jarring impact on our lives. It presents a moment of personal crisis that is unlike any other we experience. It’s the grotesque end, not just of a life, but a way of life. It’s over and out; done and finished. Things are never the same.

And yet, life does go on even as we struggle and lurch forward. In the 1970 movie I Never Sang for My Father, there was a line that perhaps epitomizes the aftermath of a death. It is: “Death ends a life. But it does not end a relationship; which struggles on in the survivor's mind, toward some resolution, which it may never find.”

After losing someone we love, we search for ways to maintain that relationship. It sometimes seems impossible but we learn, over time, to hold them securely and dearly in our memories. Most of the time, that’s a personal experience, left to the quiet inner workings of our minds. But every once in a while we’re given the opportunity to express our love in a more pronounced and public forum.

Arlington’s Christmas Remembrance Service on Sunday, December 21st at 1:30 PM in our Lakeside Chapel is one such opportunity. It’s a beautiful service where we collectively remember those we have lost; and in memory, light a candle – a sign that a life has been lived. We invite you to join us at this service.

Daniel Applegate became part of the Arlington Memorial Gardens organization in 2001 and has worked in the cemetery industry since 1981, including serving as Secretary/Treasurer and then as President of the Ohio state cemetery association.  He was appointed by Ohio Governor George Voinovich and served two terms on the Ohio Cemetery Dispute Resolution Commission, Ohio's cemetery oversight agency. He is a graduate of The Ohio State University holding a Bachelor of Arts Degree in Political Science.

Death Cafe Focuses on What's Important in Life

By Daniel Applegate
President, Arlington Memorial Gardens

There’s a certain cognitive dissonance that surrounds the human relationship to death. Death is the specter that haunts us – because we know all too well how our collective stories end. Yet, even though we know, we are masters of denial.

When we’re confronted with death head-on, when a loved-one dies for instance, we look at death for a moment but we then we look away. We don’t dare look for too long because the full reality is right there to scare the bejibbers out of us, a fear that deeply challenges a flawed human trait: the arrogance that we’re in control. Coming to terms with the mystery of death and its associated fears, or maybe perhaps just providing the venue to discuss this life consuming puzzle, is the goal of the CincinnatiDeath Café.

Held in the welcoming confines of the Arlington Community Room, the CincinnatiDeath Café is not what comes to mind when thinking about a café – although coffee, tea and cookies are mixed in with the conversation. Instead, the Death Café is an occurrence where opinions on death can be expressed in a judgment free zone, where various views, feelings, beliefs and attitudes can be drug out of the closet and examined in the full light of day.

A benefit of the Death Café is perhaps best explained by Death Café Founder Jon Underwood. According to Underwood, “When we acknowledge that we’re going to die, it falls back on ourselves to ask the question, ‘Well, in this limited time that I’ve got, what’s important for me to do.’”

The Cincinnati Death Café is facilitated by Cindy Maril and Pete Tunnat. Tunnat suggests that the term “facilitator” is a very relative term when describing the Death Café. He says that, “We are only there to get the conversation initiated – after that our role is very limited because the conversation is almost always robust.”

The next Death Café is on Monday, December 15^th at 7 PM and lasts for roughly an hour and a half.  If you’re interested in more information, please call the Arlington Administrative Center at (513) 521-7003.

Daniel Applegate became part of the Arlington Memorial Gardens organization in 2001 and has worked in the cemetery industry since 1981, including serving as Secretary/Treasurer and then as President of the Ohio state cemetery association.  He was appointed by Ohio Governor George Voinovich and served two terms on the Ohio Cemetery Dispute Resolution Commission, Ohio's cemetery oversight agency. He is a graduate of The Ohio State University holding a Bachelor of Arts Degree in Political Science.