Remembrance: Death Ends a Life. But It Does Not End a Relationship

By Daniel Applegate
President, Arlington Memorial Gardens

It’s deeply ironic that none of us, as in zero percent, enjoy thinking or talking about death. The irony is that the avoidance denies life’s one sure thing. We deny out of fear; that is, by letting any thoughts seep into our consciousness means that considering the full reality of death isn’t far behind. And so we work hard at averting all of those thoughts. However, the irony doesn’t end there; there’s another component although it’s an extension of the denial of death. It’s the irony of denying the finality of death by being remembered.

The impulse for living vicariously via memory certainly isn’t a new concept. For proof, one needs look no further than the Great Pyramids of Egypt where the Pharaohs of ancient times hoped that the monolithic monuments would convey an eternal earthly presence. Or, for proof with a more familiar flavor, simply visit your local traditional cemetery where those who possessed the financial means erected large granite monuments to invoke, hopefully good, memories for those left behind.

Remembrance Service at Arlington Memorial Gardens.

But the instinct to be remembered after death is matched with another equally strong and compelling human compulsion: to remember those who have preceded us in death. This instinct is clearly the less arrogant of the two and speaks volumes for the goodness that is in all of us. We are, after all, products of one kind or another of those who give birth to us, raise us, guide us, nurture and love us. We largely become who we are, for good or for ill, through those we know and befriend, through those we admire and through those we love and sometimes wed. And because we are human we form bonds, deep emotional attachments that we know as love.

Losing someone we love has a jarring impact on our lives. It presents a moment of personal crisis that is unlike any other we experience. It’s the grotesque end, not just of a life, but a way of life. It’s over and out; done and finished. Things are never the same.

And yet, life does go on even as we struggle and lurch forward. In the 1970 movie I Never Sang for My Father, there was a line that perhaps epitomizes the aftermath of a death. It is: “Death ends a life. But it does not end a relationship; which struggles on in the survivor's mind, toward some resolution, which it may never find.”

After losing someone we love, we search for ways to maintain that relationship. It sometimes seems impossible but we learn, over time, to hold them securely and dearly in our memories. Most of the time, that’s a personal experience, left to the quiet inner workings of our minds. But every once in a while we’re given the opportunity to express our love in a more pronounced and public forum.

Arlington’s Christmas Remembrance Service on Sunday, December 21st at 1:30 PM in our Lakeside Chapel is one such opportunity. It’s a beautiful service where we collectively remember those we have lost; and in memory, light a candle – a sign that a life has been lived. We invite you to join us at this service.

Daniel Applegate became part of the Arlington Memorial Gardens organization in 2001 and has worked in the cemetery industry since 1981, including serving as Secretary/Treasurer and then as President of the Ohio state cemetery association.  He was appointed by Ohio Governor George Voinovich and served two terms on the Ohio Cemetery Dispute Resolution Commission, Ohio's cemetery oversight agency. He is a graduate of The Ohio State University holding a Bachelor of Arts Degree in Political Science.

Death Cafe Focuses on What's Important in Life

By Daniel Applegate
President, Arlington Memorial Gardens

There’s a certain cognitive dissonance that surrounds the human relationship to death. Death is the specter that haunts us – because we know all too well how our collective stories end. Yet, even though we know, we are masters of denial.

When we’re confronted with death head-on, when a loved-one dies for instance, we look at death for a moment but we then we look away. We don’t dare look for too long because the full reality is right there to scare the bejibbers out of us, a fear that deeply challenges a flawed human trait: the arrogance that we’re in control. Coming to terms with the mystery of death and its associated fears, or maybe perhaps just providing the venue to discuss this life consuming puzzle, is the goal of the CincinnatiDeath Café.

Held in the welcoming confines of the Arlington Community Room, the CincinnatiDeath Café is not what comes to mind when thinking about a café – although coffee, tea and cookies are mixed in with the conversation. Instead, the Death Café is an occurrence where opinions on death can be expressed in a judgment free zone, where various views, feelings, beliefs and attitudes can be drug out of the closet and examined in the full light of day.

A benefit of the Death Café is perhaps best explained by Death Café Founder Jon Underwood. According to Underwood, “When we acknowledge that we’re going to die, it falls back on ourselves to ask the question, ‘Well, in this limited time that I’ve got, what’s important for me to do.’”

The Cincinnati Death Café is facilitated by Cindy Maril and Pete Tunnat. Tunnat suggests that the term “facilitator” is a very relative term when describing the Death Café. He says that, “We are only there to get the conversation initiated – after that our role is very limited because the conversation is almost always robust.”

The next Death Café is on Monday, December 15^th at 7 PM and lasts for roughly an hour and a half.  If you’re interested in more information, please call the Arlington Administrative Center at (513) 521-7003.

Daniel Applegate became part of the Arlington Memorial Gardens organization in 2001 and has worked in the cemetery industry since 1981, including serving as Secretary/Treasurer and then as President of the Ohio state cemetery association.  He was appointed by Ohio Governor George Voinovich and served two terms on the Ohio Cemetery Dispute Resolution Commission, Ohio's cemetery oversight agency. He is a graduate of The Ohio State University holding a Bachelor of Arts Degree in Political Science.

Recovering from the Loss of a Loved One? Here We Are

By Daniel Applegate
President, Arlington Memorial Gardens

The funeral is over. You have left the cemetery following the committal service. Perhaps you had a family gathering after the funeral, but now you’re home. Eventually, whether it’s today, tomorrow or several days from now, your support system, those relatives and/or friends who love and care about you, will take their leave, departing to return to the hustle and bustle of their own lives. And it’s at this time, this precise moment, that reality will set in -- the crushing, empty finality of your loss.

You try to deal with it because you loath the very notion that you could ever become a burden to anyone, especially to those you love; but you’re suddenly feeling strangely disconnected from your former life, you know, the one that ended abruptly just days earlier. So, you choose the “I’ll do this on my own” road to travel. 

You awake in the morning after having experienced a fitful night of sleep – if you slept at all. You prepare breakfast for yourself and begin your forlorn day of going through the motions, doing those things you feel compelled to do but which seem to suck energy from your very soul. Wash and repeat – this is your new life; this is who you are. Despondency sets in. The nights grow longer and even more fitful than before. The days are more challenging. The depression deepens and it feels as though there is little hope of ever feeling better.

Unfortunately, many survivors feel this way after the death of a loved-one.  It’s just part of the crummy hand that you’re dealt when someone close to you dies. In most cases, survivors suffer grief and anxiety to one degree or another. In some cases, the grief is so overwhelming that it can be a form of Post-Traumatic Stress Disorder (PTSD). And actually, there’s very little that anyone can do or say to purge those feelings of loss.  Because losing someone you care about is a sad and gut-wrenching experience.  It’s a condition of our species. Homo sapiens.

While in these circumstances grief may be our captor, fortunately for us, we need not remain its long term prisoners. There is a way out. Well, “out” may be a misnomer; really, there is a path “through” the grief, a path that leads to an ultimately healthy recovery. And that path is not for solo trekkers. It’s one where survivors band together, walk together and draw strength from each other. That path is called grief support.

Our grief support program is here for you, designed to help you begin to see over the horizon and understand that there are possibilities of living a full life again - even in the aftermath of a death. It’s not a replacement for your loss nor is it a panacea. But it can be a kick-start to your healthyrecovery -- if you’re willing to make the effort and commitment to attend and to participate.

One of our Core Values at Arlington Memorial Gardens is to “Make a Difference that Matters.” Providing a grief support program that leads survivors to a healthy recovery does just that.  If you have suffered a loss and are finding life burdensome, I invite you to attend our grief support program. 

Daniel Applegate became part of the Arlington Memorial Gardens organization in 2001 and has worked in the cemetery industry since 1981, including serving as Secretary/Treasurer and then as President of the Ohio state cemetery association.  He was appointed by Ohio Governor George Voinovich and served two terms on the Ohio Cemetery Dispute Resolution Commission, Ohio's cemetery oversight agency. He is a graduate of The Ohio State University holding a Bachelor of Arts Degree in Political Science.

Michael Schlitz: Meet a Thrivor…and More

Michael Schlitz and Daniel Applegate

By Daniel Applegate
President, Arlington Memorial Gardens

For those of you following our postings on Facebook and on our website prior to Memorial Day, you’ll know that Michael Schlitz was the featured speaker at our Flag Raising Ceremony on May 25, 2014. We were pleased to bring Michael to Cincinnati based on his service to the nation as an Army veteran, but also because he has become a powerful voice of support and goodwill for U.S veterans, particularly for those suffering from injuries sustained as a result of service during the War on Terror in Iraq and Afghanistan.  He is a reminder that freedom is indeed not free – that many Americans do, in fact, make enormous sacrifices in service to their country.

In his travels, Michael is frequently accompanied by his Mother, a woman who, by all accounts, provides her son with a strong, stable and dependable support system. However, during this trip to Cincinnati, a scheduling conflict resulted in Michael traveling alone.  Since he is unable to drive due to the loss of vision, I had the honor of accompanying Michael to an interview with a local TV media outlet.  I was grateful for the opportunity to become better acquainted with him.

As we talked, my mind turned to a popular book some years ago called Who Moved My Cheese.  It’s a parable written by Dr. Spencer Johnson of The One Minute Manager fame.  Who Moved My Cheese is about change and adapting to new realities. While Michael described some of his daily hurdles, it occurred to me that he was the poster child for decisive adaptability. 

For instance, Michael, who lost both hands due to an IED explosion in southern Baghdad in 2007, must plan to recharge the batteries that power his prosthetic arms within 12 hours or risk them becoming totally immobilized, a somewhat harrowing proposition particularly when he is travelling.  And, he further described just how easily he can become overheated as a chain-reaction result produced by his inability to perspire due to the burns he sustained.  These revelations were expressed bluntly, matter-of-factly. They were not complaints intended to provoke sympathy; to the contrary, Michael was merely providing a day in his life.

We all confront challenges in life.  Some of us become victims and some of us become survivors. Michael Schlitz is neither. Instead, he has risen to new heights despite his limitations and challenges and has become the embodiment of a thrivor – one who excels.

Becoming a thrivor is operating in rarified air. And yet, there is another term that might apply to Michael even though it is sometimes misused. One of Michael’s retired Army comrades who attended the Flag Raising Ceremony, who in fact was once Michael’s ranking officer, commented to me that Michael suffering injuries in Iraq did not make him a hero.  But, he explained, in light of the severity of the injuries, his ability to adapt and for his tireless work on behalf of veterans, Michael has become “damned heroic.”

I can’t say it any better than that.

Daniel Applegate became part of the Arlington Memorial Gardens organization in 2001 and has worked in the cemetery industry since 1981, including serving as Secretary/Treasurer and then as President of the Ohio state cemetery association.  He was appointed by Ohio Governor George Voinovich and served two terms on the Ohio Cemetery Dispute Resolution Commission, Ohio's cemetery oversight agency. He is a graduate of The Ohio State University holding a Bachelor of Arts Degree in Political Science.

Memorial Day Embodies the Meaning of Patriotism

By: Daniel Applegate
President, Arlington Memorial Gardens

In a radically divisive age, when the country is often at odds with itself and its people frequently find themselves aghast at what comes from Washington and passes as governance; and, fragmented by what comes from the airwaves and passes as news, there is only the rare occasional moment when Americans come together to demonstrate a true sense of national cohesiveness.

On the Fourth of July, the country is distinctly united in celebrating the dual blessing of independence and democracy.  To a lesser degree, the nation’s patriotic fever momentarily spikes on November 11th in observing Veterans Day.  As a child growing up in the 1950s and 1960s, I can vividly recall the perceptible fervor that was so deeply imbued in the annual patriotic observance of Pearl Harbor Day. And of course, the events of September 11th stirred the passions of patriotism like no other single event in my lifetime. Yet, year in and year out, many Americans reserve their most lusty patriotic embrace for Memorial Day.

Why so? After all, Memorial Day is a profoundly solemn day of reflection, a stark contrast to the much more ebullient celebrations that have become synonymous with Independence Day. Oh, how we Americans love those picnics, parties, fireworks and good times!  But then, that’s precisely the point: patriotism isn’t really about parties and fun, is it? In fact, even though we’re often guilty of reducing it to simple, and simplistic, aphorisms like “America: Love it or Leave it,” patriotism is a much more complicated than that.

These complexities have been acknowledged by adherents all across the political spectrum. For example, Ron Paul has said, “True patriotism has been more closely linked to dissent than it is to conformity and a blind desire for safety and security.” And, George McGovern, a stalwart from the opposite side of the aisle said much the same thing: “The highest patriotism is not a blind acceptance of official policy, but a love of one’s country deep enough to call her to a higher standard.” So, aside from the simple, and often simple-minded, adages that merely serve as thought pollution, defining patriotism usually is profoundly more complex than it appears on the surface.

But sometimes it’s not. Memorial Day recognizes the purest form of patriotism. It’s an uncontested moment in time, a day on our calendar that beckons us to remember and to pay homage to those who have sacrificed their life in the service of their country, a calling that is the embodiment of the ultimate fulfillment of patriotic duty.

With its lineage dating back to the Civil War, Memorial Day is much more than merely one-third of a three day weekend. It’s this nation’s better nature at work; and, a collective post-it note. It’s also a reverential gift to those who, by giving their lives, have earned their country’s eternal admiration. As millions of Americans trek to cemeteries all across the country, in every village, town and city, we do so because we are a grateful people and because, as Lincoln said speaking at the dedication of the cemetery at Gettysburg, “It is altogether fitting and proper that we should do this.”

Arlington Memorial Gardens hosts a series of events annually to commemorate Memorial Day and honor the veterans who so proudly serve our country. See our Memorial Day schedule.

Daniel Applegate became part of the Arlington Memorial Gardens organization in 2001 and has worked in the cemetery industry since 1981, including serving as Secretary/Treasurer and then as President of the Ohio state cemetery association.  He was appointed by Ohio Governor George Voinovich and served two terms on the Ohio Cemetery Dispute Resolution Commission, Ohio's cemetery oversight agency. He is a graduate of The Ohio State University holding a Bachelor of Arts Degree in Political Science.

Cincinnati Death Cafe Encourages Discussion of Death -- and Life

by Daniel Applegate
President, Arlington Memorial Gardens

Talking about death often is considered taboo or morbid. But there is a growing worldwide movement to change that attitude about death, and Arlington Memorial Gardens is proud to help build an open dialogue in Greater Cincinnati  through our sponsorship of the Cincinnati Death Café.

You can discuss death -- the "elephant in the room" -- at free monthly meetings of the the Cincinnati death Cafe at the Arlington Memorial Gardens community room

What is the Cincinnati Death Cafe? It’s an informal place where people can come together in a relaxed and safe setting to discuss death over coffee, tea and snacks. The objective of the Cincinnati Death Café is "To increase awareness of death with a view to helping people make the most of their (finite) lives." We believe that death is the "elephant in the room" which serves as the concept behind our logo. It’s a subject we would like to avoid, but something all of have to face as a natural part of life.

The Cincinnati Death Café has been meeting monthly since October in the Arlington Community Room – and participants have had some lively discussions about their views on death. It can be a comfort to be able to share your concerns, your fears, and your feelings about something that's so much a part of all of our lives.

The global Death Café movement was founded by Jon Underwood of England, and brought to the United States by Lizzy Miles, a social worker in Columbus, Ohio. There are two facilitators from our team of Family Advisors: Pete Tunnat and Cindy Maril, who have met extensively with Ms. Miles prior to the first meeting of the Cincinnati Death Café. And Ms. Maril has traveled to London to meet and consult with Mr. Underwood.

The Cincinnati Death Café is a group directed discussion of death with no agenda, objectives or themes. It is a discussion group rather than a grief support or counselling session. There is no intention of leading people to any conclusion, product or course of action.

Unless you've experienced a recent loss of a loved one, death is probably not something you care to discuss. It's hard to fault that avoidance because, let's face it, nobody wants to think and talk about their own mortality. At Arlington Memorial Gardens, we encourage family members to have “The Dialogue,” the active discussion of advance planning for your funeral and cemetery needs, and the Cincinnati Death Café helps further that discussion in the community.

A Discussion about Death -- and Life

But the Cincinnati Death Café is about life as much as it is about death. When you address the “elephant in the room,” you can learn to make the most of tour life. Many people who attend the Cincinnati Death Café meetings are just trying to figure out what life should be all about. Talking about death can be helpful and enrich your life because it helps you focus on what you value in life.

If you want to have a unique and rewarding experience, please attend a free monthly meeting of the Cincinnati Death Café. You can learn more by calling 513-521-7003 and visiting the Cincinnati Death Café page to see the upcoming schedule.

Daniel Applegate became part of the Arlington Memorial Gardens organization in 2001 and has worked in the cemetery industry since 1981, including serving as Secretary/Treasurer and then as President of the Ohio state cemetery association.  He was appointed by Ohio Governor George Voinovich and served two terms on the Ohio Cemetery Dispute Resolution Commission, Ohio's cemetery oversight agency. He is a graduate of The Ohio State University holding a Bachelor of Arts Degree in Political Science.

Assurance, Not Insurance, Helps You Pre-Plan a Funeral

by Daniel Applegate
President, Arlington Memorial Gardens

When we’re on the very uncomfortable mental terrain of considering our own mortality, it becomes comforting to fool ourselves while engaging in some mythical thinking.  For instance, many of us avoid thinking about pre-planning and participating in “The Dialogue” by telling ourselves, “Hey, I’ve got lots of life insurance, that's all I need to do."

While owning an insurance policy is certainly wise, thinking that it's all you need to do unwisely misses the point.  Obviously, the financial assistance provided to the beneficiary is a boost, but it doesn’t assure your family that they are planning a funeral that reflects your wishes. 

An insurance policy doesn’t assure your loved ones that the selections they have been forced to make comply with your preference in terms of mausoleum entombment rather than earth burial, or vice versa.  Insurance doesn’t assure your family members that they’re selecting the types of merchandise that you’d prefer or the expenses you'd approve. 


Pre-Planning: Assurance for Your Family Members

And an insurance policy most certainly doesn’t eliminate the torturous guesswork that your family would engage in at the time of your death. Only pre-planning does that; insurance does not. So, while insurance is unquestionably wise – and insuring -- it’s pre-planning that is assuring.

At Arlington Memorial Gardens, we take a great deal of pride in helping others in planning, choosing and making decisions that are right for you and your family.  In selecting Arlington Memorial Gardens, you will receive attentive, comprehensive and professional care from our Advisors whether you are planning in advance for your own arrangements or making arrangements for a loved one. 

Our goal is to get to know you, to build a relationship with you so that we can provide you with the appropriate information that will enable you to make sound decisions. But before we can do that, you must first make a conscious choice to engage yourself, and those around you, in what we call "The Dialogue," the active discussion of planning for your cemetery needs.

There is nothing extraordinary about The Dialogue, except that many people avoid it like the plague. It's hard to fault that avoidance because, let's face it, nobody wants to think and talk about their own death. 

Make Decisions for Yourself

Yet, there are several compelling reasons why you should pre-plan, and, the list includes both emotional and financial considerations.  But, perhaps the most compelling reason of all is this: if we don't participate in The Dialogue ourselves, others will be forced to have it at the time of our death, making important, and incredibly personal, decisions that we should have made ourselves. 

We strongly encourage you to begin thinking about, and engaging in, The Dialogue, between you and your loved-ones.

Daniel Applegate became part of the Arlington Memorial Gardens organization in 2001 and has worked in the cemetery industry since 1981, including serving as Secretary/Treasurer and then as President of the Ohio state cemetery association.  He was appointed by Ohio Governor George Voinovich and served two terms on the Ohio Cemetery Dispute Resolution Commission, Ohio's cemetery oversight agency. He is a graduate of The Ohio State University holding a Bachelor of Arts Degree in Political Science.